The Early Days of the Wild, Wild West

Way back when, in the early days of the Wild,Wild West, almost before they had cars, we'd start our nights out at one of the infamous watering holes. This watering hole was infamous for it's authenticity of mixing the old with the new. The old being the Wild, Wild West of San Francisco of course. The new being the new of the Wild, Wild West of course. So what's new and what's old? The old is, first of all, the watering hole itself. It's decor was strictly old time "Mexican Bar." style. What does that mean? Oh, it means dark painted walls, x-mas lights, mariachi hats, the distinct scent of beer and tequila, and an old time juke box filled with old Mexican music (music to cry by and music to dance by). And this watering hole also provided a great big mounted deer head! Oh yeah, it also had a lot of old Mexicans-some worked there and some who were mistaken to work there. Not to mention, the mariachis. The new includes the new "Mexican." That would be us. Born and raised in San Francisco, but fully Mexican, for sure!
But, let's be real, the watering hole was also infamous for it's dynamite margaritas. You may have heard of them around town-big, strong and cheap. Yeah!!! Sounds good, ha? And good they were. In fact they were so good and so powerful that we (Chaparra, my sister and I) had to institute a 2 drink maximum! Really, my sister and I had the first experience which forced us into the 2 drink max. But, we'd frequently challenge it and have one more, which was usually purchased by one of our admirers.
Well, we came to a 2 drink maximum one night when my sister's car was stolen. After 3, or however many margaritas it was, we left the watering hole and walked towards the car. As we approached the corner where it was parked, we realized it wasn't there. "OMG, it's been stolen!" We contacted the police and, after arguing with them over which city (San Francisco or Daly City) should take the report, we went to sleep. The next morning we borrowed a car and returned to the scene of the crime, as if someone would steal it and return it to the same place. And guess what? There it was! They had returned it to the exact same place! Well, in actuality, we'd forgotten which corner we'd parked it on. There and then we instituted the 2 drink maximum! My sister and I decided that we'd never tell anyone the story. So,sssshhhh, don't say anything to anyone.

BOOTS AND THE SINGLE COWGIRL

Sad as it may be, break ups happen even in the Wild, Wild West. Ho-hum. What's a cowgirl to do when her cowboy's eyes roam? What's a cowgirl to do when her cowboy forgets how special she is? What's a cowgirl to do when she's single again. Well, let this cowgirl tell ya. What these cowboys fail to understand is that there are lots of other boots out there on the dance floor. Not only lots of other boots, but lots of other types of boots. Some are made of exotic skins like ostrich and alligator. Others are sleek and stylish. Some are shiny and formal. And still others are sturdy and rugged. And each type of boot has it's own appeal. So what's a single cowgirl to do? It's a tough time. It's tough because there are so many boot wearing men to choose from! WOW! It could take the poor cowgirl weeks and weeks of dancing with different types of boot wearing men to begin to narrow down the type or types she likes.
Let's see, do I like the shiny, formal boots with jeans and a starched white shirt? Or do I like the rugged ones with relaxed jeans and a corduroy jacket (the kind he'd wear in the mountains while riding a horse). Or do I like the sleek stylish boots worn by the sleek stylish dancer? Or are exotic skins what really turn me on? Who knows? Try a few of each and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!!!!

Invisible Dancers and Floating Hats

When I say "Invisible Dancers" you might think I'm referring to "dancers who once were there," or one's ex dance partners or whatever type of ex. But, that's not what I'm referring to. To add clarity, my question is, "Why are the mirrors that line the dance floor at El Toro so damn high?" Now I know I'm out there dancing, but I'll be damn if I can see myself in the mirror. But I'll have you know that it's not just me, about half the dancers there can't be seen in the mirrors. And about another half can only be seen by the hats that float by. No head, just the hat! Even though they're several inches taller with their cowboy boot heels and cowboy hats, they're still invisible in the mirrors.
Those of you who have visited the Haunted Mansion in Disneyland might have an idea about what I'm talking about-mirrors and dancers floating around coming in and out of site. Come to think of it, that's not far from the truth. On halloween, El Toro decorates with skeletons hanging from the ceiling. At first you think, "Oh how nice. They decorated nicely for Halloween." Then as you begin to focus on the images, you see that they are couples in various sexual positions.
But getting back to the invisible dancers. One time Chaparra and Joey and El Jefe and I went to El Toro. We were 2 of 3 couples on the dance floor (it was a slow night, even though it was free). Well all 3 couples were out there dancing bumping into each other when I noticed you could see only 2 couples and a floating hat! "Oh my god," I thought, "Where am I? I know I'm out here dancing." I then realized that the mirrors were so high (about 5'6") that I couldn't be seen. "What is this?" I thought. Is this so that they can exceed the legal capacity. "No, we're not over capacity, officer. Look over there, pointing to the mirrors, "We're only half full."
Thank god that at the door, in addition to checking I.D.s and frisking down the men, they don't institute a Six Flags policy of passing a height restriction. "Step up to the notch on the wall over here boys, before we let you in." Only they'd have to do the restrictions in reverse. "Sorry, we've reached our capacity for those above this notch. If we let you in we'll be above our legal capacity when the officer looks in the mirrors to count the crowd." "But you're welcome to wait in line until someone over 5'6" leaves (which could be quite a wait). So then not only would they frisk them when they leave (for beer bottles being removed from the premises), but they'd have to back up against the notch again to be measured.
Well, I guess the moral of the story is, you may be short, but at least you can get in and either be an invisible dancer or simply a hat floating across the dance floor. It beats standing in line waiting for someone over 5'6" to leave!

Damsel In Distress

The "Damsel in Distress" seems to be one of those situations men flock to. I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe it gives them the opportunity to feel like some kind of prince Valient coming to the rescue. But, come to the rescue they do. One night at one of the dance clubs, I saw my ex with a new woman. It was somewhat of a shock for two reasons: One, I hadn't seen him in months (which, by the way, was a good thing). Two, because the woman he was with was not a stranger to me. As a matter of fact, not only had she seen me and my ex together at that very club, but she'd frequently called me looking for her ex. But she doesn't know that I know it's her calling me. Anyway, there he was dancing with her and sittin' with her and the only reason I had an interest was because it was her. So, why should that bother me? Well, I know she's been with another cowboy who's shown lots of interest in me. I've seen her dancing with another of my exs, not that I have a lot of exs. And now she was with my present ex. Again, you might ask, "Well, so what?" So I'll tell you "what". She's not your best looking woman, your best dresser, or the happiest person you've ever seen. In other words, without being cruel, she's fat, kinda sloppy, and a controlling b----! So I began to worry that she and I were similar. I couldn't handle the thought and got angry.
So getting back to the "Damsel in Distress". I headed over to where Chaparra and Joey were sitting to say something bad about the b----, where I took a quick turn, which might have been close to the speed of light, and suddenly found myself with my feet flying up in the air and landing on my behind. It all happened so fast that I didn't know it happened until I looked up and saw all these men running to my rescue. Let me just say right now, the sight of these men can make you forget anything. I totally forgot how embarrassing this was and how stupid I must look and who might have seen me and how bad I hurt. All that went through my mind was, "Oh my god!! What a bunch of beautiful faces looking down at me!" Gorgeous smiles (aaaahhhhh), black hair, dark eyes, what a sight!!! White hats, black hats, belt buckles, boots. Some with their hats respectfully in their hands. Some reaching down for me. Some asking if I was alright. And all of them concerned and helping me. WOW!!! Who could ask for more?
Me, a "Damsel in Distress"! Delicate, helpless, in need of being rescued. And along came those virile heroes, not in shining armor, but heroes none-the-less. Although that's not an approach I admire, I can understand why those frail, weak, mousy women are continually approached by men. And, looking like they're frightened by the man's prowess, are so popular. And guess what, they even have their choice of men! But, that's ok, so do I, and I don't have to go around falling on my ass to get them!!! Although it did work really well!

Cowboy Hats

I've often wondered, haven't you, what it is about cowboy hats that are so alluring? Yesterday my sister and I went to a 49er game (they won by the way). And yes, I actually do more than go out dancing. We both decided, unknowingly, to wear our red cowboy hats. We attracted attention. Guys who otherwise wouldn't have, said hi and talked to us. As we walked around Candlestick, we received lots of smiling gazes too. "Wow," I said to my sister, "there's something about a cowboy hat that attracts people." "You should know," she responded. And yes, I should know. So here goes.
I'll just combine Friday night and Saturday night and the three, yes three (actually there were four), bars/clubs I went to. First of all, my escort, whom I'll call Omg, wears what Chaparra deemed a "taco hat". These hats, as you may or may not know, are from Durango, via Chicago, which, by the way, has a large Mexican population. I'd really like to visit there some day, but I'm digressing. The brim of the taco hat folds up dramatically on the sides close to the crown. It has an arrogant image. A cowboy who's prowess is stylishly displayed! And the way he wears it says even a little bit more about him. Of course the taco hat comes in black or white. Some cowboys swear by black and others by white. To me, and the other women I know, the color is inconsequential, it's what's under the hat that matters. Namely, the vaquero, and how he carries the hat.
From there the brims and crowns, not to mention the creases, come in all shapes, sizes, colors, as do the cowboys. The use of the hat depends on the vaqueros level of proficiency. One function is to draw attention. And that, it does quite well and in various ways. Just sitting on the head, as I've said, makes it's own statement. Tilt it to the side, wear it low over the brow, tilt it back, or just plain upright and he's already communicated to you a little about himself. Everyone has the images of the "youngin'" whose eager and full of energy, wearing his hat tilted back so that he can see and participate in everything around him. Everyone also has the image of the cool, tilted over one eye cowboy who saunters by attracting attention. Moving the hat also draws attention. Twirling it around on the dance floor, or tossing it into the air, or passing it around your body as well as merely adjusting it on your head, gives out signals of prowess and virility. Using it as a fan, as in fueling a fire, is also a good move for fueling fires on the dance floor. MMMMmmmmm! It certainly can make things hot out there, especially when the hats are twirling and fanning, with boot heels stomping and bodies gyrating. Why, we have a real vaquero hoedown goin' on! Try it sometime! It's intoxicating. I guarantee it.

THEY SHOOT HORSES DON'T THEY

Okay, so it's an old movie, what with Jane Fonda in her young days, but it's a movie that frequently comes to mind after a jam packed weekend of dancing. For example, my sister once said that I was like the energizer rabbit, I just keep going and going. I laughed when she said it. But then, one night started with my sister, Chaparra, Joey and myself. The party was on and everyone was prancing all over the floor (some prance a little better than others, though). My sister was the first to leave the dance club so I went to sit by Chaparra and Joey. While I was out on the dance floor, Chaparra signaled to me that they were leaving. I was out there boogying down when my feet began to kill me. Suddenly I realized I had to get the heck out of there. Drenched from all the dancing (not to mention no air in the club), I hobbled out of the club alone. Limping back to my car, which was parked up a hill, I realized that I had been the last of our group to leave that night.
Immediately, THEY SHOOT HORSES DON'T THEY, popped into my head. Here I was, after having pranced and been pranced like a horse, limping and in pain, I was finally giving up. Well, you know the old saying, "They shoot horses to put them out of their misery." The perfect image for a limpin' filly to have as she heads back to the car. So what, who cares if my ringtone chimes, "I'm coming up so you better get this party started. Get this party started on a Saturday night."
Anyway, the movie, THEY SHOOT HORSES DON'T THEY, is about a marathon that goes on for days and days. People dance while they're sleeping. Dance partners drag their partners around the dance floor to keep from being kicked out of the marathon. I have to admit, I've been dragged around the dance floor myself, though not willingly. One time I was out on the dance floor and someone stepped on the toe of my boot as my partner, unaware,smiled at me and pranced me in the opposite direction. I should say dragged me because I don't think it's possible to prance with just one foot. Again, you can see why they shoot horses. That was in San Jose. Come to think of it, there've been times when we've gone down to San Jose for a concert. Drove back to San Francisco and realized we still had time to get a couple of hours in at the End of the Line.
All I have to say is, I don't care if they shoot horses, I'm gonna keep up the prancing 'til I too drop. I'll think of being put out of my misery later! For the time being, "Have a good time! Have a good time!"

Pachangas

Well as we gear up for next weeks big pachanga for la raza anniversary celebration, it brings back memories of the past anniversary pachangas. Now last year, the radio station made a big mistake in celebrating their anniversary with a pachanga in San Jose. Cause I'll tell ya right now, they don't party like the boys in the city! You've heard the saying, "How you gonna keep them down on the farm after they've seen Pari?" Well the same applies here. The boys in San Jose, as of yet, haven't made it to Pari. Or as we say here in the city, "How you gonna keep them down on the ranch after they've seen San Francisco!
Well, we all know that History didn’t really happen the way that it’s written in the books. Having said that, the following historical event should be taken with a grain of salt. To put it bluntly, “Don’t nobody remember nothing,” about the last pachanga here in the city.
It all started, innocently enough, when we pulled into the parking lot of the Cow Palace to go to the 2nd anniversary celebration of a local Mexican radio station, just to enjoy the company of other Mexicans and, of course, our music. Well, immediately, we began that enjoyment. We pulled out our bottles of champagne and cans of beer, while the car next to us drank tequila from the bottle. “Cheers, salud!”
Well, they were pulling in by the truck loads, our brethren Mexicans, that is. And, oh my god, looking good, REAL good. We downed, I mean sipped, our champagne and prepared to enter heaven. Before we got out of the car, our neighbors offered us shots of tequila. So we had a few shots, just to be neighborly. “OK, let’s go.” I grabbed my hat from the trunk and we made the walk to the entrance. And what a nice walk it was.
Now, the Cow Palace is a huge building, which was originally used for rodeos. It still is, but it’s also great for Mexican get togethers. It’s got a huge dance floor/arena and seats encircling it if you choose to watch the pretty scene from afar. Well, that’s not what we do. We don’t hide in corners waiting to be rescued. We go out there and participate.
And participate we did, immediately.
My sister and I got asked to dance as soon as we entered. And Joey and Chaparra were dancing too, I guess. Well, from here on out, things get a little hazy. Well, let’s just say it like it was, we were all so drunk out of our minds, that the best we can do is patch a few memories together, however accurate or inaccurate, to come up with a version of the truth!
So, somehow or other, we all got separated soon after entering. Nobody’s sure how, but, Chaparra found me in the bar (I think I was translating for the bartenders and their clients, you know tequila, corona,etc.) when she dumped Joey. Nobody found my sister, but my sister found Joey. As I said, things are a little fuzzy.
Chaparra and I had a great time. I think we left the bar to go to the bathrooms, good idea! Then we came back down and had hot dogs, good idea! Then we went back up to the bathrooms, good idea! Somehow or other we had time to re-enter the dance arena where, low and behold, we spotted Joey, dancing with another woman! “Come on!” said Chaparra. I followed her over to him thinking, “Oh my god! He is dancing with someone else. And a slow dance too!” Chaparra marched right up to him and tapped him on the shoulder. Joey turned and looked at her. “Oops, sorry, wrong person,” said Chaparra. It wasn’t Joey, but it sure looked like him. “Well, what do you expect in a dark room full of Mexicans,” said my sister, “someone’s bound to look like him.”
Chaparra and I quickly ran away (run Forrest, run).
In the meantime, the real Joey was walking around with my sister looking for us. That must have been when Chaparra and I decided to go up to the stage, good idea! We finally made our way in the dark, up towards the stage. When we got there we thought, “ So what do we do now?” Make our way back, of course.
My sister finally realized she was lost when she lost Joey too. Having had the wisdom and foresight (after 2 bottles of champagne and who knows how many shots of tequila) to leave her cell phone in the trunk of the car, and Chaparra wasn’t answering when Joey called and if he’d called me, I wouldn’t have felt my phone vibrate anyway, my sister proceeded to do the only logical thing she could do. Knowing she was a little tipsy, she decided, “I’m gonna leave before I fall down.” Which actually was a good idea, since it was too dark for anyone to see her on the floor.
So, she went up to someone whom she knew spoke English, a cop. She gave him her story about being lost with no cell phone. He sympathetically offered the use of his, but she realized she didn’t know anyone’s phone number! But, to her credit, she remembered she knew her daughter’s number and called her to call me with the text message, “My mom’s taking a cab.” So ends my sister’s night.
As the story goes, Chaparra and I were getting ready to leave when I got a phone call and Chaparra spotted Joey, still wearing my hat that he had “rented” from me. Chaparra quickly ran over to him snatched the hat off his head and her keys and she started to head towards the exit asking, “Who’s on the phone?” Which only goes to show, no matter how angry and/or boracha one might be, you always want to know who’s calling your friend late at night.
Needless to say, Joey followed us out. But, Chaparra had it all planned out, “Take a left here and a right up there. We’re dropping Joey off first.” “OK, then," I said. So we zipped up to Joey’s house, driving off as he closed the car door. Then zipped around the corner dropping off Chaparra. And back around down Joey’s street (the only way out). Low and behold, Joey saw me zip by and knew Chaparra was lying when she talked to him later saying we were out eating. I guess she was still mad at him for looking like the guy that was dancing with that woman.
Anyway, it was a wonderful night in Mexican heaven, tequila shots, hats, boots and music. And that’s the End. That is, until next weekend!